[E/N] Why must I be so angsty OR Why LDRs suck.

This is a post by a forum member at SomethingAwful that I just found terribly funny and plan on using for some theatre monologue if I ever get around to getting back on stage. This is only made funnier (or more terrifying) by the fact that this anonymous user also lives in Corvallis, Oregon. My home town:

This is going to be totally e/n. Just as a warning to anyone who didn't notice the 'e/n.' tage attached to this thread, I don't think there is any way to describe exactly how angsty I am right now.

Every girl that I have dated in the past year or two has been from another fucking city. It doesn't matter if I eventually tried to move to that city, I'd always manage to find someone 60 miles away from me or the city that I am in. Over time I guess I've gotten used to it but it still feels fucked up. If I'm in Seattle, I don't hook up with a girl *from* Seattle, no she has to be from fucking Vancouver. If I'm in Portland I end up with a girl from fucking Boston. What the fuck is up with that? Then there's this long distance relationship shit. LDRs should be illegal. The government should restrict the number of long distance relationships that any 18-24 year old can have at any one time. Why? Because it fucks things up. The people who you find attractive, that are as horny as you are, that you could be *fucking* in your own *city* RIGHT NOW are probably online talking to their SIGNIFICANT OTHER in ANN ARBOR, MICHIGAN or--worse--NEW DEHLI and being angsty about it. You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you and your fucking undying love for someone that you haven't seen since last August. Fuck you for telling me that though you'd love to party you have to call your boyfriend and whine to him about how you're so lonely, how much you miss him, and how you'll be able to see each other for TWO DAYS in JULY. Fuck you for waiting for a marriage that will never come.

The airfare isn't worth it. The driving isn't worth it. The phone bill isn't worth it. He'll never meet your parents, you'll never see the inside of his room, the best you can do is a cheap hotel outside the airport and endless chatlogs that would make either great case studies for emotional psychotherapists or a post on SomethingAwful.

Oh, fuck.